-- Mark Twain
Thank God I didn't title this article "Top Ten Things Spawn Did Right". I'm not sure I could come up with one. I've never read the source material, and this movie was absolutely abysmal. So why the place on the list? The premise: The devil creates a super-soldier to sow the seeds of the apocalypse, only to have his creation develop a conscience with the aid of an angel and start dismantling Satan's plan. Sign me up! Ideally, I'd have Guillermo del Toro direct it, but I have no idea about the casting.
While Blade: Trinity was sort of Ryan Reynold's coming out party, it absolutely murdered the franchise. It's called "Blade", not "Blade & Friends", alright David Goyer? As you'll find is a running theme with the comic book entries, I haven't read them, so I don't know which member of Blade's "rogues gallery" I'd face him up against in the reboot. I just know that I need Idris Elba to start working on a flat-top, pronto. I don't think Tarsem Singh is too lofty a goal for the director either.
I don't care if it's Alien 4 (let's just pretend Resurrection never happened, alright?) or if it's a reboot of Ridley Scott's classic. Don't balk at the idea of remaking the original. Scott threw out the right to treat his original as sacred when he made that steaming turd, Prometheus. All I know is we need a movie with xenomorphs in it at least every 5 years. I imagine David Fincher accepting oodles of money and a public apology from the studio for their handling of him during the filming of Alien 3, and him getting a chance to make the Alien movie he wants. In my dream scenario of the reboot, Natalie Portman takes over for Sigourney Weaver, but since she'd never do it in a million years, let's just screen test every young female lead who is still searching for that big break. Amanda Seyfried, Malin Akerman, and Blake Lively: I'm looking in your direction.
Let's be clear about one thing right out of the gate: we're using animatronics and puppets whenever possible, so put down your anti-CGI pitchforks. At the same time, let's also be clear that this thing needs a lot of re-working. You need a different origin than "China". That crap had to seem a little hard to swallow even in 1984. Second, the feeding after midnight has to go. How do they know what time zone they're in? If they move, do they have jet lag for a while and are still on their old clock? Half-baked solution: they can't eat meat. Vegetarians rejoice! You have a new hero to plaster all over your t-shirts! What stays: Gizmo, Stripe, and the swimming pool scene.
Now here's one where we can go wild with CGI. Although once we're using Pixar-level animation, Jessica Rabbit will have to be toned down a bit, lest the thing get slapped with an R rating. Just get Jim Carrey to take over for Bob Hoskins and start counting the money. Sometimes it's just that easy.
Notable because I don't even think we have to re-cast the lead from the ageless Keanu. Quaint for how he has a hard drive in his head capable of storing "hundreds of megabytes", Johnny Mnemonic is one of the rare movies that could resonate more today than it did when it came out. At its release, it was meant to be a fantastical, futuristic tale. Now, it could be a near-future thriller/action movie that explores interesting questions like what happens when we can make prosthetic limbs, eyes, etc. that function better than human ones? Is it just more extensive body modification? How would you regulate these types of things?
They weren't wrong to try to adapt this with a non-comedic spin. They weren't wrong to cast Gary Oldman as a villain (never a bad move). They were wrong to cast Heather Graham (always a bad move unless the role's a parody). They were wrong to cast from Party of Five and Friends. They were wrong to try to have their own Ewok. Still, the derelict ship they discover that was actually their own rescue mission from the future (you don't get spoiler alerts for 15 year old movies) was a good idea, and Hollywood loves tentpoles that are easy to make sequels for.
I know they already tried with a mini-series that apparently got good ratings (Lord knows why). Paramount even tried to remake this a few years back before it fell apart. But it needs to be remade because a David Lynch-directed sci-fi epic was great in the 80s, but there's so much more we could do with it now. When Disney's spending billions to acquire Star Wars, the rights to this could probably be had for pennies on the dollar.
I'll admit to having never seen the original, but they had me at "Robot Cowboys". Apparently HBO will be remaking this as a television show, but honestly, I don't get how you can serialize the idea of the robot cowboys (so fun to type) going ballistic on the park guests. Still, sounds like it could make one heck of a horror film!
Now we get to my pièce de résistance. A live-action, no-singing, R-rated Aladdin. Discard your initial skepticism and actually consider the material we have to work with. This could be Prince of Persia that doesn't suck. Jafar could be a Top 10 villain. Genie can be a world-weary, cynical jerk who's tired of granting everyone's wishes and just wants to be freed. Just one stipulation: Mila Kunis is Jasmine or there's no point in even making this. I'm thinking Colin Farrell for Aladdin, but I'm open to the criticism that he's too old and we need a young, fresh face. Donald Sutherland plays the Sultan and Gary Oldman is Jafar (told you it was never a bad idea). A restraining order is taken out, barring Robin Williams from having anything to do with it.
No particular reason other than an excuse to post Sean Connery's mankini.