Release Date: 01/10/2014
The origin story of the mythical Greek hero. Betrayed by his stepfather, the King, exiled and sold into slavery because of a forbidden love, Hercules must use his formidable powers to fight his way back to his rightful kingdom.
I don't even know what to call the movie I'm making fun of. The first time I watched the trailer (and still officially on IMDB, and according to the movie's most recent tweet) it's called Hercules: The Legend Begins. Maybe someone realized that sounds a little too much like Dwayne Johnson's upcoming Hercules: The Thracian Wars (unrelated), because by the time I could find the trailer linked on YouTube for this article, it had changed its name to The Legend of Hercules. Changing your movie's title less than two months before release and after releasing a trailer? Always a good sign!
Apparently, someone watched the Twilight movies, and asked themselves, "Who's that oafish fellow with the acting skills of cardboard? I'd sure love to throw $70 million at a swords and sandals movie built around him!" You can tell they've realized the horrifying depths of their mistake at this point, since their star Kellan Lutz has about 2 lines in the entire trailer. At the 0:51 mark, he's making just about the blankest face possible. Emote Kellan! Convey your anger at having your love married away! Nothing? Well heck, use that scene in the trailer anyway.
After talking about a movie that impressively juggled multiple themes, it's safe to say this movie this movie will do whatever the opposite of that is. Embarrassingly mishandle? Catastrophically mangle? This looks like a trailer for a trilogy box set of terrible movies, yet they're trying to cram it into one. There's so much ripping off going on in this movie, that if I'd seen even the hint of a joke, I'd think it was a parody film by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. You've got Gladiator, and not just the hero's exiles and subsequent return via arena combat, but the quotes ("I paid good money for you, and I expect a return"), and the low angle shots of our hero with the arena crowd in the background, you've got Immortals, with the slo-mo action shots, and dead serious connection of the protagonist to gods, plus that terrible lightning whip thing (I would've thought that electrocuted more than "pushed back like a strong wind", but I'm rusty on my terrible movie physics). There's even a little Troy-esque love story sprinkled in for good measure.
Director Renny Harlin seems determined to take back the record of worst box office bomb that his Cutthroat Island recently gave up to the likes of John Carter and Mars Needs Moms. His movie looks so bad that while watching the trailer, I got the distinct impression that the actor who plays the king is slumming it in this thing, so I looked him up. Nope! He's a completely D-list actor who mostly does Hong Kong martial arts films, and he looks like the cream of the crop!
So what could possibly go right with this stinkbomb? Not much, but I suppose it could at least impersonate what it's so blatantly stealing from well enough to be entertaining, but let's be honest: when "From the producers of The Expendables" is the most intriguing thing you can think to say about your movie, even competent plagiarism is probably asking too much. I think the best we can hope for is that it's so terrible, and takes itself so seriously, that it becomes an entertaining watch from sheer incompetence. And for Hollywood's usual dumping ground of January, that actually wouldn't be that bad.
Apparently, someone watched the Twilight movies, and asked themselves, "Who's that oafish fellow with the acting skills of cardboard? I'd sure love to throw $70 million at a swords and sandals movie built around him!" You can tell they've realized the horrifying depths of their mistake at this point, since their star Kellan Lutz has about 2 lines in the entire trailer. At the 0:51 mark, he's making just about the blankest face possible. Emote Kellan! Convey your anger at having your love married away! Nothing? Well heck, use that scene in the trailer anyway.
After talking about a movie that impressively juggled multiple themes, it's safe to say this movie this movie will do whatever the opposite of that is. Embarrassingly mishandle? Catastrophically mangle? This looks like a trailer for a trilogy box set of terrible movies, yet they're trying to cram it into one. There's so much ripping off going on in this movie, that if I'd seen even the hint of a joke, I'd think it was a parody film by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. You've got Gladiator, and not just the hero's exiles and subsequent return via arena combat, but the quotes ("I paid good money for you, and I expect a return"), and the low angle shots of our hero with the arena crowd in the background, you've got Immortals, with the slo-mo action shots, and dead serious connection of the protagonist to gods, plus that terrible lightning whip thing (I would've thought that electrocuted more than "pushed back like a strong wind", but I'm rusty on my terrible movie physics). There's even a little Troy-esque love story sprinkled in for good measure.
Director Renny Harlin seems determined to take back the record of worst box office bomb that his Cutthroat Island recently gave up to the likes of John Carter and Mars Needs Moms. His movie looks so bad that while watching the trailer, I got the distinct impression that the actor who plays the king is slumming it in this thing, so I looked him up. Nope! He's a completely D-list actor who mostly does Hong Kong martial arts films, and he looks like the cream of the crop!
So what could possibly go right with this stinkbomb? Not much, but I suppose it could at least impersonate what it's so blatantly stealing from well enough to be entertaining, but let's be honest: when "From the producers of The Expendables" is the most intriguing thing you can think to say about your movie, even competent plagiarism is probably asking too much. I think the best we can hope for is that it's so terrible, and takes itself so seriously, that it becomes an entertaining watch from sheer incompetence. And for Hollywood's usual dumping ground of January, that actually wouldn't be that bad.